This past week Sean Avery, with his innovative and bush league harassment of Devils netminder Marty Brodeur, has caused the NHL to broaden the scope of its unsportsmanlike conduct penalty. Anonymous sources have recently reported to Greetings From Islander Country that NHL dean of discipline Colin Campbell is currently holed up in his underwater lair outside of Toronto drafting a new minor penalty to take affect next season. A two minute minor for "Being Sean Avery". Referees will indicate that such penalties have been called by waving their hands around sporadically while making menacing facial contortions.
The following will get you called for two minutes for "Being Sean Avery"
10. Screaming "Oh My God, there's a fire in the arena!" at opposing defensemen
9. Playing without hockey pants
8. Wearing a Dave Schultz mask to intimidate forwards
7. Hitting on the opposing goaltender
6. Painting your jersey over with black and white stripes and pretending to be an official
5. Untying the opposing goaltender's leg pads
4. Dropping dead pucks all over the ice
3. Mooning the opposing goaltender
2. Driving the visiting team's Zamboni while intoxicated
And finally, the number one transgression that will get you two minutes for "Being Sean Avery"...
1. Being Sean Avery